By The Grace of God

"By the grace of God, there was no other way.  I picked myself back up, I knew I had to stay.  I put one foot in front of the other, and I looked in the mirror and decided to stay"

- Katy Perry

Hi readers! Long time no see!!! I'm back now anyway. It's been a long time since the last time I write.  Been so busy lately.   Things change guys.  First of all I'm 18 now!!! yayyyyyy!!!!!! I'm legal!!! Andddd.... now I'm employed!  Perfect huh? not really........... still....... something is missing... I NEED A MAN FOR GOODNESS SAKE!!!  Yes, I'm still single and I'm sick of it honestly.  Anyway, I know he will come soon, I just have to put my faith on it :)

   

Now readers, you see how far I've come.  You know I was a hell of a nobody (If you've seen The Dungeon, Panem, and District 13 before).  And now? My life just changed 80% to a better one (100% is when I find 'him' :P).  How can that even possible? Well it's simple, just have faith in God! That's the main thing.  It's all because of HIS Grace.  Without that I won't even be here right now! I won't be a writer and write blogs.  I won't be a chef.  I won't even get a chance because I might be dead.  Dead because of suicide! You'll probably ask "how could that even possible?" because I haven't mention it before right? Well keep reading guys, you'll find out! Oh and by the way, I don't mean to brag around my religiosity by writing this.  I don't mean to be 'Bacot Rohani' guys.  I just want to share my experience with God.  Just want to share my believes.  I hope you're blessed by reading this and you're life might get better! Just like mine! :)

Before you read any further I suggest you to read The Dungeon, Panem, and District 13 first so you know what I'm talking about 

Message for my dear and beloved HATERS:

Before I started I would like to say something to my Haters.

Dear Haters,

I know some of you think that I'm just a bitch who write things to gain attention.  And another thing is that some of you think I write this blog for revenge to the people I hated in the past.  Yes, I heard that.  If you think that way then let's get this straight.

First of all I would like to say that the reason I write this blog is to warn others (especially parents and the younger generation) so that they won't have to end up with Anxiety / Depression like me.  I choose to write it in a blog because I love writing and that's the only thing I can do (you know how bad I am when it comes to TALKING right?).  So, like it or not this is how I'm gonna do it! I'm here with a POSITIVE MOTIVATION guys! If you still gonna hate me then fine! Go on! Haters gonna hate! But please,  just like teachers used to say "if you don't wanna be here then just leave!!!" If you don't like me or my blog then leave me and my blog alone! Don't read it and spread unnecessary lies out there.  Why should you bother to spare your valuable time doing things that you hate? What's the point? Any benefits? I think it's just a waste of time.  

And for those of you that think I'm here for revenge.  Let me ask you a question.  Do you have brain? If yes then use it properly! Think before you judge guys! Let's just use logic,  if I'm here to ruin other people's reputation because I want to give them a revenge for what they did to me before then why the hell should I give them initial name? Why don't I write their real name instead? Their full name! Maybe complete name with their tittle  (Such as Alm. Prof. Dr. Lotso Huggin Bear.M.Ng, S.Bt)!  Why should I bother giving an initial like "The Dungeon" or "Panem" or "District 13"? I could just mention the real name instead right? so please, think logically! USE YOUR BRAIN WISELY!!!

Well anyway, I think my explanation is clear enough up there.  If you have a question just let me know.  If you think I had insulted you before please just comment down below and let's just solve the problem.  Once again I say that I'm not here for revenge.  I'm not here for seeking attention and make people pitted me or something. Please don't get me wrong.

Thanks for reading.  

Sincerely,

- JessyAlicia

"May the peace be upon you, now go with happiness! :)"

- Amity 

One Year Clean

Today is 18th August 2015. One year after I got this tattoo (well it looks different with when I just got it).  I did gave a very long explanation about this in District 13.  I suggest you to read that first if you haven't.  Just a brief explanation, this tattoo is a symbol of my promise to myself that I won't hurt myself anymore.  So every time I got depressed and think to cut I see this tattoo, got reminded that I had promised not to do that anymore and I stop.  I pray to God instead.  Asked HIM to give me strength to face my problems.  And it works! So here I am, one year clean without selfharm!! yayyyy!!!

Suicidal Thoughts 

Now readers, I would like to share about the hardest part of my life.  Once again I just want to give an example of my stories.  I'm not telling this for seeking attention.

My First Suicidal Thoughts

Believe it or not readers, my suicidal thoughts started when I was year 3.  So I was about 8 at that time.  I'm not like other kids who is lucky enough to have a pair of loving parents and raised by a happy family.  If you had read Panem then you'll know how my parents works at home.  They just don't ment for each other.  That's what I saw from the very beginning of my life.  They don't have love for each other! At all!! 0%!! All I see in my whole life is a life full of war.  And every time my mom got upset with him, I become her victim (until now).  She beats me.  She talks bad things about him, his family, and his hometown to me.  What she did was putting her negative thoughts to me.  To a little girl who doesn't have anything to do with it.  She often yell (with all the Indonesian swearing words) or beat me for having bad grades.  Every time she yell at me she always mention about my dad, his family, and his hometown (such as: you bring a shame to me! That's definitely not my family's generation! Maybe you're just a reflection of your dad / the Javanese).

One day, after she yell at me I just don't know what to do.  So I lie on the couch with my eyes close and pretend to sleep.  That's where my suicidal thoughts begins.  I thought that why don't I just die and end up in a place called Heaven? I imagine that I would sit on a throne with Jesus.  He would raise me as His daughter.  So He would be the King and I'll be the princess of The Kingdom Of God (I always wanted to be a princess when I was young).  I wrote about this in my old blog, but it's written in Indonesian (you might need a help from google translate) http://jessyfantasy.blogspot.co.nz/2013/03/misteri-segitiga-bermuda.html

Since then, I tried to find a way to die (I know nothing about how people suicide at that time).  Until one day my religion teacher said in the class that people who suicide will end up in hell.  So I stop finding it.  But I still think about Heaven every time.  I spend most of my time day dreaming about it and my teachers said I day dream too much.

Introduced to Selfharm

Many years past.  But my life hasn't got anything better at all.  Maybe even worst.  My parents decided to put me in "The Dungeon" at the age of 12 with an expectation that I would have a 'godly character' and be a 'good girl' (as we all know , according to 5SOS there is no such thing is 'good girl' because good girls are bad girls that haven't been caught #LOL).  I was a bad girl with terrible attitude and terrible grades btw.  I was a bully (it was written in District 13).  But expectation never meets with reality guys.  Instead of being the person my parents expect, I become worst than before.  I got stressed in there.  People in The Dungeon area (parents, teachers, other students) keep on telling me to change! And I'm like "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!  I know I have to change and I want to! But HOW?!?! you guys just judging me around, telling me to change but you don't even show me HOW TO CHANGE for goodness sake!!!".  They just being so 'banyak bacot' (bigmouth) but I don't think they can explain their statement.  I did explain how I suffered there, just read 'The Dungeon' if you haven't.  Just a short explanation, when I was 13 I almost killed myself by smelling a strong perfume.  And my head got dizzy I suddenly imagine a picture of hell. Then I stopped because I was scared.  So I changed my mind about the suicide plan then I just cut my wrist.  That's the first time I cut myself (then we all know how the story goes if you read The Dungeon).

Message for Parents

So if you're a parent(s) then please kindly read this, I would like to have some words with you.

Dear Parents,

I hope the story I wrote above can teach you how to be a better parent(s).  And please, if you have a problem with your husband/wife; partner; husband/wife/partner's family, please keep it for yourself.  Or if you can't handle it then just pray to God, ask His help, I'm sure it will get better.  If you need to talk about it to someone, then find someone your own age.  I suggest you to talk to the closest people that you trust (such as: best friends, family, parents, etc) or the counselor.  Please don't share your stress with your kids, they're just too young and innocent to handle your problems.  You'll just gonna put some hates in them, and they really don't deserve it!  I'm sure you might not want them to end up like me right?  Me too, I don't want anyone to end up like me! That's why I wrote this, I know what it feels like to be a suicidal.  That's a terrible thing.  And if someone is not strong enough to handle it then I'm sorry to say they'll just gonna passed out! So please, listen to me FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR KIDS LIFE AND FUTURE!!!

May the peace be upon you! Now go with happiness!

- Amity

Time Heals

Many years has passed and time heals. Finally I had changed! I figured it out myself, with the guidance of God.  I had figured it out the way to change my life. Right now I would like to thank the people that helped me moved on from my terrible life in The Dungeon. Teachers in Panem and District13, Friends in Panem and District 13, other friends who was there during my struggle times, friends and teachers in Dunedin, my family who helped me.  Thanks guys! Thanks for helping me out! I feel blessed to have you to be a part of my life. Thank God now I'm here, alive.  I survived the battle for 18 years and my life is almost complete now.  By the Grace of God, I had survive a clean, positive life for a year.  I have a job already.  I'm working as a chef in a hotel.  Honestly I am so damn proud of myself right now! I'll just have to wait for my man to come and my life will be totally complete! :)

Positive Thinking

I used to think that every mistake in the world is my fault.  Well that's what I was told, "I'm a disappointment to everyone", "I'm useless", "I'm stupid", "everything is my fault", ect.  I used to listen to the voices that  some people used to put in me. Until I realised how special I am and I don't deserve to think like that.  God loves me because I'm special!  Sometimes we just need to love ourself! Selfish? Yes, but in a positive way.  
Just like what Tris Prior says in Allegiant:

"I don't want to die anymore.  I am up to the challenge of bearing the guilt and the grief, up to facing the difficulties that life has put in my path.  Some days are harder than others, but I am ready to live each one of them.  I can't sacrifice myself, this time"

-Beatrice Prior (Allegiant page 411) 

Don't ever give up and take the blame 
So if someone just randomly pick on me and blame me randomly for things that I don't have to do with then I'll just say "it's none of my business, why should I take the blame?" Just like what Calvin Harris say, "DON'T BLAME IT ON ME!".  Unless if it's really my fault then I have to take the blame and apologise, I don't want to be a pansycake *LOL*.