"I never wanted any of this, I never wanted to be in the games, I never wanted to be a Mockingjay. I just wanted to safe me from myself and stay alive"
Hello Readers ! Now I'm going to write more about District 13. So after Panem, I moved to District 13. District 13 is still a part of Panem that's supposed to be destroyed. But it turns out that District 13 is a hidden place where the Mockingjays lives. And I was a Mockingjay ! So I joint them ! Ok, I know you're confused (especially if you haven't watch Mockingjay Part 1 or read THG trilogy). Well, it's just an introduction anyway, I'll explain more about it!
Freshmen in Year 12
Freshmen? In year 12? That's confusing! I know it's a little confusing to be called a freshmen in year 12. But in fact I was a freshmen. I just moved to a new school which I called "District 13" or maybe more like "The Dauntless Headquarters". Why should I named it District 13? Keep on reading ! You'll find the answers ! ;)
First Day of School
2nd May 2014 was the first day I arrived at District 13. The first time I met the head of school, President Coin. President Coin was nothing like President Snow. She's nice, she doesn't lecture me with a whole bunch of rules (just like how Snow welcomes new students). All she said about the rules was that I need to use white top + previous school's skirt + shoes that's suggested to be black and white socks (it's just SUGGESTED not a MUST). That's it ! No more nonsense rules to deal with ! Oh, and she did warn me about the students, most of them are Dauntless-born. She thought I was scared because she knows that I comes from Abnegation middle school (The Dungeon) and an Erudite High School (Panem). But she didn't know that I was also a part of Dauntless (even though I wasn't really a 'Dauntless-born') but actually I wasn't scared of them, I was just nervous because of Anxiety.
Then, she introduced me to Beetee Latier, one of the teacher in District 13. He wasn't actually supposed to be responsible for me, he was just replacing my homeroom who wasn't there at that time. So he just interviewed me at that time and teach me some subject.
Besides President Coin and Beetee, I also meet some other Mockingjays. What surprised me is that the first person who greet me. I recognised him. It's Uriah ! He was one of The Dungeon's prisoner! He's was just like me, one of the lost Dauntless who was stuck in the Abnegation Headquarters. But we wasn't close at that time, because I was avoiding everyone, remember? And now he was like the first friend that I had in District 13.
Second Day of School
On Monday, 5th May 2014 was my Second day of school. according to the rules, school actually started at 8am. But what happened is that I woke up late. I just got up at 8am! So I rush into the bathroom, get ready quickly, then run into school ! When I arrived, it was about 8.30 (30 minutes late) but no one's there. Then I just walked into the class. The door was open, and there is someone sitting in the teacher's desk. He's a grown up, maybe that's the teacher. But he's just the only person there. I was afraid to come in, but I don't know what to do. So I just wait outside, walking back and forth, until that person comes out of the class. He spotted me and asked "who are you?" then I answered nervously with a shaky voice "I'm Jessica, (silence) a new student here". That was Plutarch Havensbee, The person who's supposed to be my homeroom teacher. He asked me to come in, and asked several question then gave me some works to do. I did what he told me to do as the other students comes one by one. So being late isn't really a big deal here!
Recovery Process
We all know that I am struggling with Anxiety and Depression. But I think the amount of my Anxiety and Depression is 50% reduced than before. How? Well it was started on break time. I was playing with my phone, then a group of year 1 primary students came in to my class. One of them was also a new student. He's cute, chubby, funny, and he always use an orange cap. He reminds me of Russell, a character in UP. Let's just call him Russell.
LOL!! He really does looks like Russell ! :D
Then, Russell come and approach me. He asked to borrow my phone to play games. So I did lend him my phone and we played Hay Day together. Since then, every break time he comes to my class, we played together and he becomes my first best friend in District 13. But that's not it, the rumours about 'the new high school girl who let a kid borrowed her phone' spread around the whole school. Then kids began to approach me and played with my phone. After Russell, there was a group of year 3 international girls (Sally, Jenny, and Anna) they are the 2nd, 3rd and 4th people that becomes my best friends in District 13. Followed by Stanny, an 18 year old 6th grader (she's 18 but still in year 6 because of some kind of 'mental age' problem) who become the 5th person to be my best friend in District 13. I call them the Junior Mockingjays.
This is us! Well it turns out that only me and Russell is in this photo shoot..... :(
One day, Plutarch Heavensbee, Beete, and most high school students are absent. While the Middle School students are having national exams. I think I was the only high school student left. Then I joint the international class. But we just studied for 2 hours I think, then it's FREE TIME!!!
This is what we do ! *Drawing time!!!*
Look guys!! It's Sally!!!
They are the innocent kids who knows nothing but fun! Being friends with them it's like being in a primary school again! Seeing them every day, playing with them, makes me feel better and forget all of my stressed from the past. That makes my Anxiety and Depression decreased.
Divergent
Besides The Hunger Games Trilogy, Divergent is also something that inspired my life. So one day, I watch Divergent. Then I saw a character that really stole my heart, Tobias 'Four' Eaton. OMG!! Just look at him! He's so hot, masculine, gentlemen,and sooooo my type!!! But the reason why I love him so much is not just because of his looks, but because he's so kind, loving, selfless, brave, masculine, and mature. If he really exist and if he really does likes me too (which is almost impossible) maybe he would be the man who would spoiled me and treat me like his princess ! He could be my prince charming whom I waited for since I was 7! He can give me the love of a real dad which I never really had (you know how figureless is my dad). You know what, readers? That was the first time I fall in love ! Yes readers, he's my first love! My first love was a fictional character who didn't even exist!
This is Tobias Eaton (incase you didn't know)
Another thing is that Divergent makes me starting to know myself. Before Divergent, what I know about me is that I was the person that I hated the most in this world, I was my biggest enemy. But Divergent makes me think that I was someone else, someone that was trapped in another person. I realised that I wasn't in the right place. Abnegation and Erudite headquarters isn't the right place for me. I am Divergent with 3 Factions which are Amity, Dauntless, and Candor. Now I am in the Dauntless head quarters, Dauntless is a part of me so I am in the right place now!
My first test was 40% Amity, 35% Candor, and 25% Dauntless
This is Me
I finally found myself who has lost for 4.5 years. Just like what Demi Lovato said:
"This is real, this is me. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now, gonna let the light shine on me. Now I've found who I am, there's no way to hold it in, no more hiding who I wanna be. THIS IS ME!!!"
I got my Dauntless self back ! I got my confidence back ! now I want to get my Dauntless look back ! Starting from my piercings, I got 6 piercings that I had since Panem, I wasn't allowed to use them in Panem, but I can use them now, so I did. Then I change my hair colour into Caramel (just like before), plus I added some green highlights!
Here it is ! (ps : Just ignore my face)
Since then, I started to feel comfortable with people around me. Every time I walked home I always think that I have a happy life now ! I feel much better than before. Maybe if I'm still at Panem, now would be the time when Romulus Thread insulted me. But not anymore! I'm free now!! I started to activate the Amity part of me. I tried to forgive everyone that I hated, especially myself. I promised myself that I would try to not hate anyone, hating isn't gonna solve the problem, it's just making more damages in me.
I found peace in my life, that makes me sing 'the remake of Happily Never After' every time I got home from school.
"I don't think I want this anymore,"
As she drops her books into the floor.
She says to herself, "You've left before, "
"This time you will stay gone, that's for sure."
And they shouted something as
she took her backpack out the gate,
To the driveway.
She had never gone that far.
Normally this would be
The time that she
Would get insulted by Romulus THread,
But this time, without crying,
As she walked home today, she said,
[Chorus:]
"No'Happily Never After'
That just ain't for me.
Because finally,I know
I deserve better, after all (ooooh)
I'll never let another teardrop fall."
As she walked away she starts to smile, (yeah)
Realized she hadn't for a while.
No destination, she walked for miles
Wondering why she stayed in such denial.
She was laughing about
the way they shouted something as
she took her backpack out the gate,
To the driveway (to the driveway),
She had never gone that far (oh, no)
Normally this would be, the time that she (yeah)
Would get insulted by Romulus Thread,
but this time, without crying,
As she walked home today, she said,
[Chorus:]
"No'Happily Never After'
That just ain't for me.
Because finally,I know
I deserve better, after all (ooooh)
I'll never let another teardrop fall."
I'm done, I'm done, said I'm so done,
(so done, yeah)
.I'm free, I'm free, so free
Free to be me, yeah.
She inhales a breath she'd never breathed before
Fear of no drama, no more !
'Cause she says
" No'Happily Never After' (after)
That just ain't for me" (oh, oh)
[Chorus:]
"I know (I know)I deserve, better after all
(ooooh, don't wanna be, breathe
)I know I'll never let another teardrop fall"
(I'm done, I'm done
)"No'Happily Never After'
(so done)(I'm free, I, free)
That just ain't for me"
(that just ain't for me)
Because finally,I know
(I'm done, I'm done)
I deserve better
(so done),
after all
(I'm free, I'm free)/
(ooooooooo)
I'll never let another teardrop fall"
[trailing vocals]"I'm done, I'm done, I'm done","I'm done, so done, so done"
Said I'm done, I'm done, I'm done
Night Terrors
Even though I had a perfect life now. But still, my past, memories from Panem and The Dungeon keeps haunting me in my dreams. About The Dungeon it's still the same like what I wrote in the previous post. But about Panem, sometimes it's a nightmare about the Panem Valiants, it's not really a 'nightmare'. But sometimes it's about meeting the kind people of Panem, like I remember how I suddenly cried and hug them and they might said "why do you leave us without saying 'goodbyes' ?". That makes me felt bad. But that just happened at night during my sleep. It doesn't really bothers me, I still wake up at 8am as usual. Then I have some fun at school and forgot about it during my day time. So it's not really a problem YET!
Summer Holiday
After a month in District 13, here comes summer holiday. Summer holiday takes about 2 months and many things happened.
What have I done?
The nightmares continues haunting me during my summer holiday. But this time it really bothers me. I don't have school during summer holidays, I spend most of my holiday by myself. So what happened is that after I woke up I usually spend some 'lazy time' on bed, and during that lazy time that nightmares does some kind of 'replay'. That makes me felt real bad about leaving Panem without saying goodbyes. OMG!! I was so irresponsible. Why can't I just lie to Romulus Thread and take all the risk? Then after that explain what really happened to the innocent people, that would be better. Or why can't I just say the truth and take all the consequences ? Why should I be a pansycake? What's the difference between me and Romulus Thread? I said that Romulus Thread is a Pansycake, but I'm not much different like him! I started to get pissed off with myself. On the 10th of July was supposed to be my 3 months clean. But I can't resist it, I cut on that day. Cutting is the only thing that makes me feel better.
That's What Friends are For
Besides myself, I spend my holidays with my best friends, Tris, Primrose, Rachel, and Vivian. But mostly with Tris. I felt so lucky to have them. Thanks to them, at least I wasn't depressed in that situation. Yes, I did cut. But I cut because of the guilty feeling that I can't easily take it, I felt bad for what I did, and cutting makes me feel better. So I spend most of my time with Tris, and I told her about the nightmares. She said that I have to at least let them know the truth, let them know that I'm still here, maybe that would help. She did really encourage me, and she helped me to get out of this mess. She even accompanied me to go to Panem.
The Nostalgic Vacation
I did what Tris suggest me to do. I went to Panem with Tris and some other people to accompanied me. In Panem I met Vivian, we have fun as usual. Vivian and Tris also get along together. Until, one moment we got separated. Tris went to the mall with the people she brought with her, then me and Vivian had our nostalgic vacation inside the school. What really surprised me is that I met Effie there. We had a little chat, and I felt more relieved. At least she knew that I haven't been to NZ yet, and I had a chance to say goodbye to her. I felt better after that. Since then, Panem becomes a good place for vacation, especially for a nostalgic vacation.
Karma DOES Exists
One day, when I was swimming with Primrose, something happened. So every time we take a swim together we were just 20% swimming, 40% playing, and 40% chit chat time. On out chit chat time, we chat about The Dungeon, she told me about how she felt about me before, and I told her how I felt about her and the reason why did I pushed her away at that time. Then, something takes me to flashback a little further. I remember what I did in the past, before I was trapped in The Dungeon. I've been a bully, and I had a victim. So there was one person at school whom I used to bully during year 6. What I did to him is exactly the same like what I got in The Dungeon. I was disgusted with him because he had a very white and red skin. I wiped everything that has been touched by him or his stuff. I called him names like 'albino', 'Chinese virus', 'gigantic volume albino trojan', and many more. Once my USB got a Trojan virus and I yelled in front of everyone "look!! my usb got a Trojan!! it must be from that albino guy!!" I humiliated him in front of everyone in class!! Another thing is that he has a very narrow eyes, just like Chinese people. So I call him something to do with Chinese (in another word : being racist). Not only verbally bullying him, I also did beat him physically, I used to hit him hard, kick his ass, knock his head, and poke him with some kind of satay stick. Not just him, I also bullied a teacher. My homeroom teacher, his head is bald and I always make fun of it! I call him names, snap his head with rubber bands, throw some paper airplanes to his head, and many more. I thought that was just a joke and it was a fun thing to do, but now after I experienced it myself it isn't a fun thing anymore. And that suddenly come into my mind. That makes me think that I deserved everything that happened in The Dungeon. I was the REAL VALIANT OF MY LIFE ! I am the reason for all of this. Immediately, I shared that to Primrose and we had a very long chat.
But then, I also think that it isn't fair. I bullied him for a year, but why I got my Karma for 3 years plus anxiety for my whole life? I'm still figured that out right now.
Senior Year
Back to School
After 2 months of summer holiday, I got back to school as a senior! That's right readers, no more year 12 freshmen!
Back to school photoshoot ;)
There are some new students, and Tris introduced me to 2 of them who are her friends. Diamond and Shailene, 2 new girls who becomes my 6th and 7th best friends in District 13. They are the new freshmen, and I'm the senior now! So I teach them some Mockingjay tricks (such as how to get good grades easily, how to skip class, how to make excuses, ect). Since they arrived, things changed. During break time, I am no longer spending my time with the Junior Mockingjays. But what I did is that I lend my Phone and Tab to them, the I left the school with them. We usually go and hang out outside the school, the place that we usually visit is Alfamart (mini market). Since I had some new best friends it doesn't mean I forgot the old ones. I still spend my time with them after school. I normally go home at 12, but now I want to spend quality time with the Junior Mockingjays so I just go home at 3.
More about The Junior Mockingjays
So the Junior Mockingjays have their own interest. The boys usually like to play Clash of Clans, Line Rangers, Hay Day, Plants vs Zombies. The girls like to play Cooking Mama, Barbie, Watching Taylor Swift's music videos, watching Ganteng Ganteng Serigala (Indonesian Twilight Version). Most of the time I joint the boys, because I don't really like Ganteng Ganteng Serigala. But if the girls are watching Taylor Swift, I might joint them!
Oh.. This is Stanny watching Ganteng Ganteng Serigala!
Ujian Nasional (National Exam)
On Tuesday, 19th August 2014 was supposed to be the day I faced the national exam. I want to do something unforgettable before it. Before I left District 13. So what I did on Monday, 18th August 2014 is that I got a tattoo! But I'll talk about it later. So after that is the national exam. It wasn't actually an official governmental exam. It's an exam from the government special for those people who didn't passed or sick during the official exam. I was an accelerate student, so I joint them. I was the only high school student who joint. I get along well with the other people. At first I didn't know any one here, then I saw a girl, she was too shy to talk, at first I thought that she had social anxiety. Then I sit with her, greet her, then having some chat. It turns out that she was a new student, so she felt a little shy. And I was surprised to find out where she's from. She's from Manado, my hometown. So I stick with her, than I don't know how I joint the rest of the group! And I was like OMG!! I can make friends now!! My anxiety has 70% decreased!! yay!!!
After test we hang out in a Warung. Most of them smoked, and they offered me a cigarette. I said that I didn't smoke, I only vape. They were surprised, how can someone who has a green hair, a tattoo and 6 piercings doesn't smoke? I explain to them that the reason I decided not to smoke is not because I'm a 'good girl', well I do smoke electric cigarette (vaping) in some occasion. But not a real cigarette, because I don't want to get addicted, I want my life to be free! Includes free from cigarettes.
Cheating isn't a big deal in District 13. So while we hang out we share how we cheat. They usually have someone beside them so they just copy each other. One of them got help from our supervisor, the supervisor is the one who did his test (how lucky!). How about me?
This is what I did! ;)
Goodbyes :(
After National exam, I have 1 week left in District 13. Things seems to be different, I wasn't as happy as before. It feels like I just got everything. My friends, my confidence, my life, my self, my freedom, everything that was taken from me for 4.5 years. And I'm not ready to graduate, I'm not ready to loose everything. But nothing last forever. That makes me felt depressed again. I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone. I know, but I'm not ready yet, why can't the time just wait?
Nothing Last Forever, Except Memories
Remember what happened on Monday, 18th August 2014? Yes, I got a tattoo. Most people who knows me might asked "what's the meaning of that". I know, every tattoo have it's own meaning, so is mine. But every time someone asked that question I always answer "it's a long story". Now I'm going to explain about it. The whole explanation is the thing that you just read! Let me guess, now you're thinking, it might be about The Dungeon, Panem, and District 13. Well, you're close! But that's not actually the answer. Well keep reading guys ! :)
Ok, maybe you noticed the right top part if you had watch Divergent / Insurgent / Allegiant. Yes, it's inspired by Beatrice Prior's tattoo. It means 3 Part of life that I've been through and I want it to be remembered for the rest of my life. But it's not The Dungeon, Panem, and District 13. Well, that's a close answer, but I REALLY DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER THE DUNGEON IN MY LIFE!! EVER!! I wish I could erase that part with the memory serum in Allegiant! That means The Dungeon is definitely not a part of it. Then what is it about? It's about First year in Panem, Second year in Panem, and District 13.
Details:
- First year in Panem was all about LOVE. I got the love that I never had before. From my mom, my friends, my teachers, ect
- Second year in Panem was all about HATE. I hate Panem, I hate the Panem Valiants, but mostly I hate myself.
- District 13 was all about recovery, or let's just call it FORGIVENESS. I solve all the problems with my friends who I pushed away in the past, they forgive me, I started to forgive my past, and I forgive myself.
So the things above could be a cycle, that's what the infinity symbol stands for. Problem can turn LOVE into HATE. Problem that has been solved can turn into FORGIVENESS. FORGIVENESS can turn into LOVE.
But why infinity? Why I didn't make it triangle? circles? hearts? or anything else? Because infinity means endless, and that experience is endless! I know Panem and District 13 has ended already, but Love, Hate and Forgiveness will never end, and it will always be a part in my life.
What about the left bottom part of the infinity? It says 'be brave'. It's the thing that Tobias said to Tris in Divergent. Well I got that before National Exam, remember? In that case it means be brave on facing it. But it's not just for the national exam, it's also a reminder to always be brave on whatever happened after this. After I my comfort zone, which is District 13.
