Panem

Happy Hunger Games ! May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favour ! 

Ok readers, I'll be writing some more details about Panem right now.  So Panem and The Dungeon has close relation.  I think what happened in Panem is the impact of what happened in The Dungeon.  So I suggest you to read "About The Writter" and "The Dungeon" first before you read this post.

How did I get into Panem

After 2 years in The Dungeon I realised that middle school is gonna be over! Yes ! Finally I'm have a chance to escape ! I said to my mom that no matter what I don't want to enter The Dungeon for High School ! I don't want to spend another 3 years in that Freaking Dungeon ! Magically, without some more arguments, my mom just agreed with me like that ! And I'm like OMG!!!! GOD KNOWS MY PAIN!!! But my dad actually disagreed, but still my mom is dominant in the family so there is nothing he can do ! I'm FREE!!! One day my course teacher suggest me to go to Panem.  It's far away from home so I had to live in the Panem Residence.  I was thinking that this would be a new beginning for a new life ! Yes I'm going ! I don't want to live anywhere near The Dungeon ! I want to forget every single memories about it and move on !  I'm so looking forward to graduation.  And when that graduation day comes it's like YAYY!! ITS FREEDOM!! At the graduation I showed up with a brown hair (I dyed it on the day before), nail polish, some jewelries, etc   

First year in Panem

I think I'm gonna like this place!  Nice teachers, nice friends, nice roommates.  This is the place that I always dreamed about ! FREEDOM!!! I kept on spamming on my Facebook.  Every single day I brag about my new school like "OMG!! I just cheated on my test ! And I'm fine ! What if I'm still in that Dungeon ! maybe someone will tell on me!" or "dog, pig, shit, stupid,ect (all the forbidden words) ! yay ! I'm allowed to say it now!! no more being a freaking stiff!!"

Social Anxiety

As you know, The Dungeon causes me having that Anxiety.  Especially Social Anxiety.  I was afraid to make friends, I vibrate myself everytime I talk to someone, I can't make eye contact, and I'm still scared of teachers. But luckily people there are so kind.  The teachers (especialy my homeroom teachers) are so patient facing my disabilities, they tried to help me to feel better, but still I didn't trust them at first.  I'm still afraid to trust someone, but I began to  fell comfortable and trust them after a while.  And thanks to them at least I felt more comfortable around people after that.  So even though I was free from The Dungeon, but I wasn't free from my fears yet.  I wasn't free from Anxiety yet.

Allies

So at Panem I gain 3 Alleys.  4 of as lives in the Panem Residence, and are taking the same course so we see each other often (even though we are not exactly in the same class).  Anyway we spent time together.  The only thing that we did was having fun, thats all.  

One day, one of our alley leaves the group, because she's a smart girl and maybe by joining us her grades dropped.  So we just go on, and we're getting wilder.  We break all the rules in Panem Resident.  I love doing it ! I love breaking the rules ! That's one of the thing that I wanted to do in The Dungeon, but I didn't dare to.  I was also bored of being a good obedience stiff.  I want to be a bad girl ! I want to be myself again.  But I did it in the wrong way.

My Grades

Because of what I did my grades are really bad.  My mom asked for my responsibilities.  She asked me what happened with my grades.  And you know what I did readers ? I blamed the other allies.   I said I can't study in Panem Residence, that place doesn't have the right atmosphere for studying.  I did blame my allies  because I want to give a revenge to my past.  I was blamed for things during the past, and I want to know how it's feels like to blame others.  I know that's cruel alright.  I shouldn't do that, I know.

The Moment of Truth

Anyway, after that I leave Panem Residence and live somewhere else.  Since then I got closer with my mom.  I never been this close with her before, I always think that she's a monster.  All I know is that she often beat me up during my childhood.  I remember how she locked me up in the toilet and hit me with the toilet cleaner, how she stuffed a whole piece of carrot in my mouth which makes me 'allergic' to carrot,well I can EAT carrot as long as it doesn't have that carrot taste / smell (it feels like I want to puke everytime I taste / smell carrots) even until now as a chef, I always avoid working with carrots (even if I have to I usually hold my breath), how she slapped my mouth very hard until bleeding.  Besides, everyone in the house are scared of her (even my dad).  But at that time I found out that she's a very nice person.  That makes me think, I mean is she the same person who often beat me up in my childhood ? Is she the monster who everyone in the house afraid of ? Is she the one who put me in The Dungeon ? What the hell just happened to her ? She's suddenly become an Angel !

After a long time I've spend with her, I finally got the answer.  What causes all this ? It's my dad.  She said that my dad is very figureless, it's like he doesn't have any roles in the family.  I mean, he's supposed to be the head of the family, but he doesn't have that leadership.  Well that make sense, all I know about him is that he get back home, watch tv while I'm eating dinner, then he eat his dinner by himself (not like other families who spends quality time together during dinner), take a shower, play some computer games, then sleep.  That's all ! And if I ask for his permission to do something, he always give me the same answer which is "ask your mom!".  So the impact is that my mom got pissed off, but she can't do anything.  Every time she's upset with him I always become her victim.  I'm the one who got beaten up, especially if I annoyed her (like how normally little kids like to annoy their parents).  About The Dungeon ? It's his idea ! He put me in there because most of his friends are part of "The Dungeon's Community", and he wants to be part of it too.  He makes me a sacrifice so that he can fulfil his wants.  My mom agreed just to give some him some respect.  She took all the blame for that, she's willing to have me hated her just because of him.  After knowing that, I felt bad for hating her.  I felt sorry for her.  I hated her for no reason.  Because of that, I'm starting to hate my dad instead.  He's the one who ruined my life.

The Best Friend

In Panem I have one best friend that I can trust the most ! She's amazing ! She's a good listener you can talk everything to her and she won't tell anyone.  Lets call her Vivian.  We mostly spend our lunch time together behind the school in front of the swimming pool, we call that our 'secret place'.  We used to chat, laugh about something, watch movies, and many more.  Well, I know what you're thinking readers ! Rachel ! yes ! She's like the Panem version of Rachel.  The friend who was always there to comfort me. 

Night Terrors

Even though I had a better life than before, I still got some night terrors from the past.  The memories from The Dungeon keeps haunting me in my dreams (until now).  Sometimes, it makes me wake up very early (maybe around 3 am) and I can't go back to sleep after that.  That makes me felt sleepy in class and sometimes (I think most of the time) I slept during class.

  

Second Year in Panem

Everything Has Changed

Do you know the song Everything Has Changed by Taylor Swift ? It was published around one month before my second year in Panem.  And it's related to it.  On my Second year, everything has changed ! Panem has changed ! Why ? I think because President Snow (the head of school) hire a new game maker named Jeanine Matthews. In my opinion Jeanine Matthews is such a Luxury Queen ! Just look at her appearance ! She's so physically 'silk-stoking', she wares branded stuff everywhere around Panem. 

Let's just picture her like this ! LOL!!! :D

But the main thing about this topic isn't her appearance anyway, it's about how she changed (maybe ruined) our sweet Panem!    

Here are some list about Jeanine Matthews's 'Masterpiece':

• No more extra class.  So before Jeanine arrived, if we don't pass a course we have to take some extra class to pass that course.  But now, if  we don't pass it means we failed.  Failed means we need to spend another year.  And there is no such thing as remedial / retest for every test that we failed.
• More unescesary rules are added
• No skipping class.  Before, we have 4 quota/semester for each class to skip, so I usually skip English and Critical Thinking class because it's so boring.  But in the ruling of Jeanine, that is forbidden.  So we must resist in that boring situation.
• Holiday Increased.  Usually we are the lucky students who has more amount holiday then the other.  But because of Jeanine, we become the unlucky students with the LEAST holidays ! even after final exam we still have class and STUDY for 2 weeks ! isn't that insane ?
• No Field trip / Study Tour.  But instead we have Social work twice/semester, which is we have to go to The Factionless Headquarters and do some social works.  And live in, which we have to stay in a village and do some social works maybe (I dunno, I escaped before I got a turn on that).  Gosh ! Am I supposed to deal with these stiff things again?
• She invent some kind of useless events such as some kind of boring Independence day celebration with some Flag Ceremony, stupid games, ext (my phone was a victim of that stupid event)
• We are forced to buy some books that we didn't even use after all ! such a waste of money!
• Instead of having punishment for breaking the rules, we have fines! We need to pay some amount of money !  Yups, money, money and money.  
• and many more

Short Story About My Phone

I always wanted Samsung Galaxy note since year 9.  I asked my parents for it, but they said it's too expensive.  It was like about $750 NZD / Rp. 7.500.000.  So I saved money for it, and finally I got it 1,5 years later, exactly on saturday, 16th Febuary 2013 (right after Chinese New Year) thats right readers ! Right after I got my angpao(s) ! And finally I have the amount to buy Samsung Galaxy Note II with my very own money ! That's why I love it so much ! I still use it until now (I'm in uni right now) !

One day, on Monday, 19th August 2013, it is the Independence day celebration.  I was so damn bored ! It's like they force me to do nothing but watching people playing some kind of stupid traditional games! Gosh ! That is such a waste of time ! So I played with my phone, at that time there was a customer who wanted to buy something from my online shop.  I think it's my change to gain Kangtao (profits) ! Well maybe independence day celebration isn't that bad after all.  Until............ a teacher is walking around the field and taking our phones (includes mine).  My first thought is that OMG!!! He's taking my kangtao away!! He's taking my luck away!! Curse you!! Curse this damn stupid fuckin event!! Then I started to think.  He's not just taking my luck away, he's also taking my phone, my best friend that I had redeem with all of my struggle for the rest of the semester ! For about 4 months!!! That's a really long time ! Its so easy for you to take it away from me like that ! That is one thing that makes me hate Panem

Romulus Thread

I think I was strong enough to survive everything that are written above if my homeroom teacher isn't as nasty as Romulus Thread.  It's tough enough to be in a situation above.  Romulus Thread makes it tougher ! All he did just putting me down!  I'll just explain it chronologically 

1. The first thing that he pissed me of is that he made me change my hair colour.  I know it's against President Snow's Golden rule but  I resist it for a year and it doesn't seems to be a problem to other people.  Maybe he did that for his pride, so Snow thinks that he's a great person for busting people (trying to gain Snow's attention).  Well yeah, your pride cost me 2 times 17 bucks for nothing (I need $17 NZD to make it brown + another $17 NZD to make it black again) !
2. Maybe I still can forgive him for the first point ( well it's my fault anyway) but what's next ? LOL!! He's such a pansy cake (coward)! If he had a problem, he never want (or maybe dare) to talk about it in person!  He always looked for a backup, which is my parents.  At the first report card day with him he said to my parents that I played with my own world (have my own world).  My mom is a counsellor. She used to deal with special needs people (includes autism).  And what she thought is that Romulus Thread is trying to say that I had autism ! She was so angry and her monster self shows up!  She says that she was ashamed of me (who she believed was born as a normal child).  She was angry with me for 3 days in a row.  I was thinking how could he say that! Even if it's real but how could he know? Because I was afraid to approach people? I was afraid to ask questions? I was afraid to talk? Bitch please, that is called 'ANXIETY' (maybe 'SOCIAL ANXIETY'), not autism! People who suffer social anxiety have a social problem because of fear, not because they played with their own world.  How can he easily judged me like that? He never even talk to me in person, but he suddenly say that to my parents! What is he up to? Ruining my reputation in front of my parents?  Can't he even think about how I feel about that? Well I'm still a normal human being! No matter how Stoic I am I still have feelings, no matter how stupid I am I still have brains ! My feeling and brain is still working well. So in my opinion, he has no right to judge me like that.
3.   I was very upset with Romulus Thread after what he said to my parents.  So I talked shits about him in the social media. Then one day, it's the second report card day.  He print some of my post and show it to my mom.  As usual, he didn't say anything about it.  The day before that he seems nice, there is no sign of it.  My mom got home as a monster again.  She made me apologise for what I did.  So I sent him an apology e-mail.   I was expecting to solve the problem with him in person.  But he didn't answer it.  I don't know what makes him did that, but what I was thinking is that he's scared ! Just like what Tris Prior said to Erick ! He's "scared of a little girl" ! Scared of a weak 16 year old girl who can't even do anything compares to him! Then, at school he insult me in front of the class (fuck ! what the hell is happening ? I did apologise !).  didn't he read my e-mail? Then he finally talked to me in person and I apologise again.  He forgives me and plus he said "just let the past go" (original word = "yang berlalu biarlah itu berlalu").  Ok then, I assumed that the problem is solved.  So if he could forgive me, I think I should forgive him.  So I did, until..................
4. The third report card day, it was my dad who comes.  He showed my dad the printed post that he showed to my mom.  WTF?!?!?! I thought he had forgive me?!?!?! And he told me to let go of the past.  Why should he bring it up again? Did he really forgive me? Was that a sincere forgiveness? What's your problem dude? I think you're looking for trouble with me!  What the hell is he's into? ruining my life? Gosh ! What's the point of it ? I just got my mom for a year ! I JUST GOT A REAL MOM ! I JUST GOT THE LOVE THAT EVERY KID DESERVES TO HAVE ! SOMETHING THAT I DESERVED!!! It seems like he's trying to turn her back to that monster I used to know! Just for his PRIDE, readers! Ruining someone's life just for HIS OWN PRIDE!! How selfish is that?
5.    Another thing is that I was having a nightmare.  I remember it's Monday morning (24th February 2014) I woke up because I dreamed about mom was having an official conversation with Romulus Thread and 2 other teachers that I did't know (maybe I didn't remember, it was a dream anyway).  Then I don't know what happened but I entered the room.  Everyone looked at me and Romulus Thread showed me a printout of a page in my blog that is considered humiliating him, and it also has his photo on it.  Then I defenced my self, I said something like "I swear I didn't do this !".  But he didn't say anything, and suddenly there was a screen with a playback cctv video and it shows that I wrote it.  Then I woke up thinking that it's just a stupid dream.   But what happens next is that on Tuesday, 25th February 2014 is that mom told me that she received a phone call from the school that there is an arranged meeting for Thursday, 26th February 2014!!! DAMN!!!!! does that has something to do with my nightmare ? Then I checked my blog that I haven't visited since year 10 and there is nothing suspicious there.  I deleted all my post that meant to be about 'The Panem Villains'  (President Snow / Jeanine Matthews / Romulus Thread) on every social media that I had.  I still wondering, what the hell would he say? I cried myself to sleep, I cried for the whole day on Wednesday and Thursday.  I used that 'sleep position' in class no one sees my red eyes, I cried in the toilet every toilet breaks.  Good thing that I bring some wet tissues everywhere so I can just instantly wipe my face anytime I want so no one noticed.   I was scared + sad + angry + nervous + haunted + depressed + under pressured at the same time.  So I cut myself again.  Just like what I did in The Dungeon, I don't care if someone sees it.  If someone asked about it I'll just lie ! Just say it's the cat, then problem solved! I just want to fell better, that's all.
6. Then here comes that day! Thursday, 27th February 2014.  The conversation goes on.  Then I met my mom.  She doesn't look so upset.  She looks normal.  I asked her, what happened?  She said that I didn't passed on Romulus Thread's class (which I had took the test for many times I thought that it was easy).  But she got my back, she said to them that if they dare to failed me, I would be leaving Panem! She did admit that she was embarrassed but she understands how I felt.  She also has enough with it, she was tired of getting called and being the target for Romulus Thread to ruin my life.  So she make a decision that I may have to leave Panem as soon as possible.
7. Romulus Thread won't stop hurting me.  After that day, he brings up the case in class during morning devotion.  He said to the class that "there is someone here in this class has discussed with their parents that she wants to leave Panem if she failed".  Shit ! Where does that comes from? I didn't say that!   You think I'm stupid? Why should I failed first before I leave Panem if I can leave right away?  What I did say to my mom is that I want to leave Panem no matter what!  I didn't say that I have to FAILED and leave! Gosh ! Shut up your fuckin mouth ! Stop telling lies about other people!
8. Besides all those things that he did, Romulus Thread seems to be a very religious man.  He often preaches about ruining other people's reputation and telling lies about people in the morning devotion.  He told us not to do that because it's a sin! He also likes to say that his time is soooooooo precious!  He don't want to waste his time for nothing, he also don't get enough sleep, he said that he only sleep about 4 hours / day (if I'm not mistaken).  But I'm kinda questioning on that.  If he said his time is THAT precious why the hell is he still have time for stalking on my social media and tell on me? Isn't that a waste of time? arn't there anything he can do to mind his own business?  hmm.. That's strange isn't it? Well  anyway... Good thing you know that! And you even share that to us ! WOWWW!! AMAZING!!! #Respect *clap* *clap* *clap*!  But next time it is better if you preaches yourself first before you preach other people so that you can be a good example!

Side Effects of Panem

Cutting

I was too depressed to think, I felt like everyone's now hating me.  I don't know if that's true, but I felt like I've been humiliated in front of the class, in front of my parents.  That makes me think that everyone has a bad impression of me.    I hate myself because of that, I always think that I'm a disappointment to everyone.  I am that shitty person and I deserved to be hated, even by myself.  Sometimes I can't take it anymore, I can't handle all of this.  I just don't know what to do, I don't know what to think.  So I cut.  Yes readers, cut, cut and cut.  I felt better after I cut myself.  Then I took a picture of my scars so that one day if I got a better life I could still remember who I was before.  Also, if someday I have kids it could be a warning for me to not pushed them too hard so that they won't  have to suffer like the way I did.

These are my scars.  I give it a little sensor to make it less violent 

Drawing 'Hangmans' 
Besides myself, I also hate the Panem Valiants ! I often think that why should a terrible people like them exist in this world?    I wish I could kill them just like how Katniss Everdeen killed President Snow and President Coin.  I even imagine killing them, hanging them under a hanging tree.  I often drew some kind of hangman + tombstone with a writing "Rest In Hell (name)" in class and pretend it's them.  I know I sounds like a psycho freak or something.  I was under pressure at that time, so I just did it without thinking.  Well I still have the drawings until now, but I think I not gonna post it because it's to violent and this blog isn't an 'R rated' blog.  So it's better for me not to post it

Before I Leave Panem

Forgiveness

On Sunday, March 16 2014.  My mom have something to do in New Zealand.   So she left me for 3 weeks, and my dad was in charge.  I live with my maid, but my dad took me home every weekend.  He seems nice.  Not like what mom has told me, he actually cares about me.  He's acting careless only to my mom, because they have some private problem that I don't  even know.  That makes me think that why the hell should I hate him? It's not my problem, I'm not the one who have a problem with him.  It's none of my business.  About The Dungeon? It's the past, I mean hating him won't make anything better.  Maybe I shouldn't trust him in the future, but it doesn't mean that I should hate him like that.  He's nice anyway.  He took good care of me while mom's away.  So I think it's time to forgive him.

Unexpectable Friendship

I had a friend from The Dungeon, we'll just call her Primrose. Primrose is a very nice person.  She's kind, selfless, patience, faithful, and beautiful.  Me and her was friends, maybe close friends.  But not as close as me and Rachel.  When I was still in The Dungeon she gives me advice every time I lost my temper.  But honestly, what I thought about her at that time, that she was annoying.  I did pushed her away from me, because remember about the 'negative thoughts' that I mention on my previous post? Yups, that's the reason.  But I don't know why we contact each other again.  We often meet when mom was away.  We spend our time swimming every Saturday.  And we turned out to become best friends instead of just close friends.  

Besides Primrose, there is another friend that I did pushed away during my prison times.  Let's just call her Tris.  Tris was my best friend since kindergarten.  I pushed her away at that time because her mom is a closed friend of my mom.  At that time I hated my mom, remember? And Also I keep my distance from every human being in my life (except Rachel) to avoid getting more hurt.  I was thinking that everyone had a motivation to hurt me.  Especially her, because her mom is close with my mom so I thought that she was one of her alley who motivated her to put me into The Dungeon.  But since I forgive mom, that means I automatically stop keeping distance from her.  So we become friends again.  And we become closer and closer.  Especially when I was having this hard times, she's the one who comfort me (Tris and Vivian actually).  And she helped me, her mom suggest my mom to moved me to District 13 (wow.. she's actually the opposite person than I thought).  Since then, we're not just become friends again, but we become best friends!

Moving Out
Remember when mom's dealing with something in NZ?  Well she decided to stay there.  And I'm coming with her!  So after graduated from high school, then I'll go with her.  She also did find a school for me.  She said that maybe I can be a chef   because I like to bake cakes since I was in primary school (well I did that for fun when my friends come over, because she had no idea what to do).  But she actually don't want me to be a chef, she wants me to open my own business (maybe a bakery ? or a restaurant ? IDK) that's just her family's goal (maybe most Asian family's goal) that we can't just work to earn money  we need to own something productive.  Anyway, I agreed with her even though I don't actually want to be a chef (I want to be a teacher instead).  But it's ok, I like cooking anyway, and maybe I can be a cooking teacher ! Problem solved ! Waiiiitttttt.... About running a business? I haven't agreed about that yet.  Because running a business, being a boss, leading a company isn't my type.  I don't have a leadership and I'm a female anyway, female isn't born to be a leader.  So I said to her that I don't quiet agreed with the business thing, well I think I will open a business for her, but she's the one who want it, why don't she run it herself ? So it's a deal!

I Escaped 

Finally after months of suffer I escaped from Panem! It's on Wednesday, April 16 2014!  Actually I was supposed to leave at the end of March, but I wasn't ready yet.  Mom was still in NZ and she told me to lie to Romulus Thread and say that I must leave because I'll be leaving to NZ soon.  But I can't lie, every time I lied to someone, most of them can tell that I'm lying.  Especially this is ROMULUS THREAD dude!!! I won't dare to do that!!! Besides I just don't want to lie.  I mean it's ok to lie to the Panem Valiants, they deserve it! But if I lie to them it means I should lie to everyone in Panem.  Includes my friends, my teachers, Vivian, and all the innocent people that doesn't deserve it.  So I just wait until mom got home and let her do whatever she wants to do.   

Happy Ending
On April 16 2014 was the day I escaped.  It was the best day ever since I'm in Panem.  I skipped English class and watch Smurfs 2 for 2 hours.  Then after school me and Vivian have some 'our last day' thing in Starbucks.  After that I spend the entire night in a karaoke place with Tris ! I scream and shout as loud as possible there, ordered 2 bottle of bear and drink it myself until I felt a little drunk (maybe tipsy).  That makes me relieved ! 

Last Words
Here is my last words before I leave Panem.  I post this message in my Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

The Dungeon

Hello Readers ! Now I'm gonna write more details about The Dungeon.  If you had read my previous post, you should have an idea of what is "The Dungeon" and what's it is like (if you don't please read my previous post first).  So now I'm going to explain it in details.

I was having hard times when I first arrived at The Dungeon.  And it really change my life, and it also change who I am.  Things are different   Most teachers (not all, maybe 70%) are strict (my elementry teachers are very friendly), many people don't want to be friends with me, I felt left out, surrounded by freaking stiffs.  It's like being the only Dauntless in a place that's full of Abnegations, last but not least the rules. 

Bunch of rules to deal with
People who lived in a dungeon are called "Prisoners".  So in my opinion, I feel like I'm a prisoner who have to deal with a bunch of rules.  Here are some examples :

•  No Nail Polish / Make up
•  No long nails
•  No Contact Lens 
•  No Jewelries
•  No Coloured Pen (use Black or Blue pen only)
•  No Slangs (only allowed to use standard words) --> you can't even uses slangs in informal situation (even jokes !). The word 'stupid', 'crazy', 'insane' even animal's name such as 'dog', 'pigs', 'pork', 'monkey' are STRICTLY FORBIDDEN
•  Doing homework at school is forbidden (even early in the morning before school starts)
• Make sure your phones are 100% deactivate, you can't even set them in 'vibrate mode'
• Use only 'stiff' clothing (Welcome to Abnegation Headquarters ) : very loose T-shirts with another shirt underneath your T-shirt (make sure your bra is 100% unseen),   very long skirts that covers your knee, make sure you tug your shirt inside your skirt and use some kind of leather black belt, use black closed shoes with a pair of white socks that are 10cm above your ankle.
• Only Stiff Hair-do are allowed : a black long hair that are tight into a ponytail (no hair colour, no fancy hair band, no funky hair cut) or a simple short black haircut
• No expencive phone
• No celebrating fancy birthday party
• AND MANY MORE!!!

      This is how The Prisoners might looks like

       
What happened if you disobeyed the rules ?

• Getting suspend is one of the common threats
• What actually happened is : you might get caught by some fellow Stiffs --> they'll tell on what you did to the teachers --> if you're lucky the teachers might just speak to you in person and solve the problems, but if you're unlucky you might received a letter that goes to your parents which means that YOUR PARENTS is the one who will face the teachers (or maybe the principle) and they will tell everything (even every single details) to your parents!!

Based on my Experience

I felt Left Out

Like what I wrote in my previous post, in the middle of class I asked a question loudly like "sir!! I have a question ?" And all the class went silent and looked at me like as if I'm an alien.  Since then, everyone seems to be disgusted at me. They talk shits behind my back, they ignored me, they call me names, they laugh about how I talk (I talk in a different accent) and they treat me like a disgusting person. They wipe everything that I've touched, they seems disgusted when I am near them, they even disgusted with my stuff.  They tell every mistake that I make to the teachers.  Sometimes they made me pissed of on purpose so that they have something to get me into trouble and the teachers always defend them as if they are always be the good guys (note: if my explanation is unclear you can watch Fuckin Perfect, a video by P!nk for the first 50 secs.  Here's the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K3GkSo3ujSY).  Just as illustrated on P!nk's Fuckin Perfect video, I am like the girl with the teddy bear and they are like the boy who throws her teddy bear and makes her beat him, then the teacher punished her.

Informality 

As you know, The Dungeon is all about formality.  No slangs, no coloured pens, ect.  One day, I used a green pen to do a test.  When I collect my sheet someone said "sir!! someone used a green pen!!" and the teacher read my name and scold  me in front of the class.  

Another thing is that I didn't pass one of my course so the only thing to pass is that we need to ask the subject teacher of an additional assignment.  And I asked the teacher with a slang like "sir, I want an additional assignment!" (Original sentence : "Pak, minta tugs tambahan DONG!" --> Indonesian Language) maybe it's supposed to be "excuse me sir, may I have an additional assignment?" and the teacher give me an hour of lecture just because I said a sentence in an informal way! Just because I said the word "dong" (a slang word in Indonesian)!

My Best Friend
There was a girl in class who is so quiet, let's just name this girl "Rachel".  Rachel was treated the same like me but in different way, they talk shits and make fun of her behind her back without reason. One day, in PE class we are on our way to the badminton court.  I was in a car with her, I don't exactly remember what actually happened but that day we had a chat and since then we become best friends.  Rachel was like my only friend for a year and we do everything together.  After some times we're friends, the teachers are doing their best to separate us.  I don't know what they are actually up to, but what I think is that either they are jealous of us (maybe they never had a best friend before) or they're trying to make us feel miserable (that's more like it ! I mean, WELCOME TO THE DUNGEON!!!) 
Because of that we decided to follow the philosophy of Stoicism and be a Stoic.  Stoicism is an old Greek Philosophy that endurance pain or hardship without a display of feelings and without complaint.  In another word, Stoicism never use their feelings.

A Secret Place

Because of that uncomfortable situation, Rachel and I decided to have a secret hiding place inside The Dungeon.  We decided to make the parking area (the basement) to be our secret place.  So after school we visit our secret place to laugh, scream, shout, relieve our stress, making fun of The Dungeon members, eating Gorengan (Indonesian street snacks) that we brought from the nearest Warung (the place that sells Gorengan), playing tag, the point is that we get to be ourselves.  One day there is a new security and she caught us playing in the basement.  She told one of the teacher about it, and the teacher gives us an ultimatum by saying that we will never passed her class if we dare to enter the basement.  Since then we have nowhere to relieved our stress. 

Betrayed
One day, the teacher asked about what was I struggled with. He asked me to write it as honest I could and promised that he won't tell anyone about it.  I was thinking that maybe I could trust him, maybe The Dungeon teachers has their own bright side.  So I honestly wrote everything about what I'd been trough.  A couple of days later, we had a talk about it, and I explained to him in details, he seems to understand my problem.  Until one day, my mom received a text message from him and he said that he want to talk to her in person.  I had a bad feeling about that.  And I was right about that feeling, he told everything about what I said to her.  Since then, I learned one lesson that I shouldn't trust anyone, especially someone from The Dungeon.

The Result of Being a Prisoner

Negative Thoughts
The main reason of why I was end up in The Dungeon is my parents.  Well it's not really my "parents" it's actually my dad, but I at that time I don't really know the exact story it.  All I know is that my mom who is more dominant in the family, so I thought that she is the one who comes up with that stupid idea to put me in The Dungeon.  That makes me hates my parents, especially my mom.  I talk shits about her at school, I make a bad reputation about her, I did that because I want to revenge on them for putting me in The Dungeon.
At that time I had hard times with people.  I don't trust anyone.  I was so paranoid, I keep my distance from every human being in my life (except Rachel) to avoid getting more hurt.  I was thinking that everyone had a motivation to hurt me.  I even kept distance to my other best friends, includes my best friend that I had known from kindergarten.  I assumed that all people in The Dungeon are bad (even the innocent ones), I wrote negative stories about them, calling them names like "Stupid Pig Dolls".  I wrote negative posts about everyone on Facebook so that everyone knows how tensed I was. Facebook is the only thing I can trust (I know, that's STUPID).  I did all these stupid things because I don't know how to express myself, I was just a foolish, unstable teenager who had so much pressure.
In conclusion I was Paranoid, I was scared of everyone, everything, I felt that life really haunts me. 

Cutting
I had no one to trust, I had no one who understood about what I had been trough.  I kept all my problems for myself, and I can't stand it for so long.  One day, I saw a cutter on my desk, and my mind kept telling me to cut my self.  It's like "go ahead ! have some cuts, everybody hates you, and you should hate yourself ! you're a worthless bitch !" and I did, I cut myself.  That feels good ! It's like all the heavy thoughts in my head are gone ! I felt better ! But the next day, a teacher saw the scars.  That makes me got into trouble.  She asked me about what happened.  I couldn't trust her, and I know I shouldn't.  But she kept asking, like as if she's forcing me to get an answer.  I can't stand it, I cried.  But still, she still forced me.  Plus, she promised me that I could trust her.  So I lost, I told her everything what happened.  And that was a mistake.  The next day, as usual the school arranged a private meeting with my parents to tell them about the cut and everything I said.  That makes my parents (especially my mom) so wrathful ! They were so mad at me.  I shouldn't have trust that teacher, I shouldn't trust anyone, and that makes me felt regret.

Peer Pressure

I felt uncomfortable at school, at home as well.  So I decided to find a 'runaway'. I was closed with my maid at that time, she's a fractionless   Anytime I felt stressed I just call her to sneak out after school.   We have fun, going to places that I never been, eat some kind of cheep street food that I won't be allowed to eat because it's unhealthy, ridding public transportation.  And I started to get along with her friends too.  It starts from being friends on Facebook.  Then I started to chat with them.  They compliment my posts.  They said I'm beautiful.  I never felt appreciated before.  I felt that they gave me a worm welcome to joint them.  One of them asked me to be his girlfriend, and I accepted him (even though I don't really know him).  He seems to be so nice, he compliment me so much, he seems to care about me, he seems to understand my feelings, his mouth seems to be so sweet.  But actually all of these things are fake.  I mean his love, was a fake love. He was an expert fliter, he also flirts other girls as well.  I found out about this after one year of our relationship. But I can't blame him anyway.  I don't actually love him as well.  the reason I dated him is not because I love him, it's just a runaway.

My Biggest Regret
I regret my easy to give up behavior.  I mean I should of just try to persuade my parents.  I should of said something like "I dont want to go to that Dungeon ! Id rather not go to school !" Or something like that.  I mean what could possebly go wrong ? Beaten up until dead ? Well I reather die than being in The Dungeon for 3 years and have my life ruind by anxiety.  Being uneducated ? Being a Factionless ? That's much more better ! At least I wount have to live with Social Anxiety.   
Instead of giving effort for my life I just give it away like that.  Give up ! Just to avoid conflict with my parents.  Just because I'm scared of being uneducated and having a dark future (jobless, lack of knowlage, ect).  But the fact is that anxiety is more darker future that being uneducated ! If only I'd known what is happening know, I would take all the risk to avoid The Dungeon. Next : Panem