5 months after my last post I finally got the chance to write again! yayyy!!! Seriously, I miss writing my blogs!! Been so bloody busy lately, I can't even sleep properly lol. And many things happens between these 5 months gap. I remember the last time I write, I promise to write more about my 'true love'. Indeed, I will, but it turns out that he isn't my true love after all. We broke up a week after that post was published, and I found someone else 2 weeks later, but it didn't last long as well. Besides, I also went to Indonesia and discover something about hypocrites who claim them-self as 'believers'. Wanna know more? Keep reading guys, I'll explain more in details!
*PS: I suggest you to read The Dungeon and Panem before just so you can understand the story more (it's related)
The Dungeon Part 2
The Pre-Tourturing Fun
Before I write some details about my relationship, let's just talk about the backround of it first. What started it? Why did I end up falling in love with them? Here's how the story goes... It's similar to The Dungeon, that's why I call it 'The Dungeon Part 2' . I was on my summer vacation in Indonesia to visit my dad and friends (and 'ex-family members' *sarcasm mode: on*). Everything was fine at first, I meet Rachel, Vivian, Tris, and 3 of my church besties (they're sisters). We hang out, swim, bake, watch movies, and go on a backpacking adventure together!
Introduction to Judgemental Hypocrites
I always wanted my nose pierce but it's too expensive here in NZ, and I finally done in Indo for like 5 bucks. Then... here's how the story goes..... first my dad was unhappy, but he didn't make me take it of or anything so I don't actually mind about it. But then, I went to Manado (my mum's hometown) to visit my 'family'. I was expected them to welcome me, to be as excited as I am to see them (after not seeing each other for more than a year), but what actually happened is that they saw me as a whole new different person, as I said in 'by the Grace of God', I've changed. I'm no longer shy as before, I talk differently, I dress differently, I got my candor mouth back (I talk back instead of stay quiet, nod, and agree whatever they said). They think it was a thread to them, because according to their philosophy we need to respect the elders and it's disrespectful to talk back to them (they expect us to stay quiet and say yes to whatever things that they says even if it's wrong lol). Well that's just one small thread readers, what really bothers them is when they spotted my tattoo and my nose piercings. They make me take of my piercing by force, and they keep fuckin lecturing me about my tattoo. That really pissed me off readers!! I mean, I'm 18 already!! I'm fuckin legal!! Legal enough to do whatever I want!! And it's my life, I have the right to make decision of what I wanna do in my life. So please, just shut the fuck up will ya? Then I post a facebook status saying 'I am never ever ever comming back to Indo... LIKE EVER!!!' and guess what.... They judge me for being 'belagu' (arrogant). They think that because I'm living overseas I'm adapting the western cultures and looking down on them. Really? LOOKING DOWN?!?! That sentence comes out for a reason! You're the one who treats me like shit! You don't even care about me! When I came back you only spotted my changes that's 'threatens' you instead of welcoming me back! While my friends in NZ really welcomes me. They treat me like a family, excepted me for the way I am and makes me a new home. And you? You're just spotting the negative spots of me, Judging me around! I don't feel like treated as a part of your family, you don't accept me for who I am. Who is the real 'belagu' huh? If you're calling me 'belagu' because you THINK I adapted western cultures and look down on you, I might say that you're 'belagu' because you still keep your solid tradition and one of your family member has adapted something else, but instead of opening your mind for something new you're just LOOK DOWN on her, focus on her negative sides, and judging her around! Make sense readers? That's why, I need to move on. I think NZ is my home now. I think they just closed their door on my, they won't accept me anymore.
*PS: not ALL of my mum's family member are like that, I would like to specify to my cousins and some other family members who are opened minded and still accepted me for who I am! Keep it up guys! you're amazing!!
Religious Hypocrites
After 2 weeks in Manado, I'm finally back to Jakarta. But waittt.......... the shitty mouths hasn't ended yet. There's much worst there, I just haven't discover it yet. Believe it or not readers, they use Religion as their weapon to attack me, their using God's name as their bullets to shoot someone mentally. And that's just so wrong. It's not me judging them wrong readers, it's written in the Bible. Let's just take a look on Exodus 20:7.
It says
Let me just put it this way. Ok, I know I'm wrong, I'm a sinner, I'm that shitty person, exactly what you said, you're right! While you're the Holy, Religious kind of guys huh? Then what you did was just judging me around? Put me aside? makes me feel even more shitty? Is that what The LORD want's you to do? I don't think so, you're supposed to be The Fishers of Men (Matthew 4:19 ; Mark 1:17). You're supposed to guide me into the light, coach me into a better person, makes me as holy as you guys! I think that's what's the LORD is expecting you to do! Well I have to say that I'm blessed. I'm blessed because I get the chance to believe in The LORD, I get the chance to know about the Bible and the points of it, so your weapons won't effect my Faith in Him, I have my own personal relationship with The LORD, I know the truth. So you're words doesn't matters to me. But let me tell you another story about a non-believer who just started to believe. Then you're just judging them around, tell them how shitty they are, judge them for what they did in the past (which they're trying to forget and starting a new life). What will they think after that? I'm sure they'll feel rejected. They'll move backwards and think that Religion is just hypocrites! They'll think that we (Christians) are just a whole bunch of people full of judgmental hypocrites and they'll think that we're thought to be such things. But NO!! That's not true!! It's just you who thinks you're much more than the others and you're starting to look down on everyone! Seriously guys, my thought is that we (believers) should just be nice to the non-believers, coach them nicely, treat them as a family of Christ, makes them feels comfortable around us. So the point is not about judging their current believes and force them to change it, but we should of give them that sensation of nicely warm welcome, comfort them, and after that it's their own personal choice to choose on what they want to believe in. Remember, God also gives free will. But it doesn't mean we have the right to hate them because no matter what, the LORD commands us to "Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these." (Mark 12:31)
One of The Hypocrite
After those written description that I just preach above, I would like to specify it to one person that's really really bugging me!! It's one of the counselor in the church I went to (I'm not sure if she's actually a counselor, but she's really active in church that's for sure). Damn it, she really bugs me. She's so into my parent's problem, and I think she's just crossing the line. So here's how the story goes readers. When I was 15 my mum call out for divorce. They were in a bloody big fight and she rented a house with me somewhere near Panem (I was still in Panem at that time). And she tells the story to that bloody fake counselor thinking that it could help her. But what happen was, she (counselor) put more pressure on them and turned them to be a hypocrite who just ACT like they love each other but they don't! Instead of understanding their problems she force them to stay together no matter what, she really highlight the sentence that 'divorce is a sin'. So they did. They live as a hypocrite, you know... act so damn normal as if nothing happens in public, making some kind of 'world war 3' at home! And I can't fuckin stand it ! I mean they're just not ment for each other. It's like they don't love each other, at all! 0%! They got married because of peer pressure, not love! And guess what readers, I think it's more sinful if they're together! Seriously, can you just understand the Bible as a WHOLE BOOK instead of judging someone by just ONE SENTENCE of it?!?! READ PROPERLY PLEASE!! Here, let me explain in a clearer way by listing some Verse:
Besides all those verses I mentioned above, there are also some non-biblical negative effect of them staying together. And mostly it effects ME!! That's why I don't ship them, at all! It's like most kids who have parents issue wish their parents to be together and live as a family, but I don't. Since I was in primary school I always wish they're not together, well I didn't know what 'divorce' actually means at that time (I started to know about stuff when I was 10 I guess). But they started to separate for 1.5 year (November 2003 - June 2005), me and my mum lives in Auckland back then, while he stays in Jakarta. And I think (me as a kid) that it works well, life is better that way. As I mentioned in Panem, before we moved to Auckland she used to beat me and stuff, she beats me with the toilet brush, stuffed a whole piece of carrot in my mouth (makes me hates carrot until now), yelling at me, telling me that I was a disappointment to her, complains about my dad to me! Don't you think I was too young for all that shits? And while we're in Auckland she did less of those, and start torturing me again when we moved back to Jakarta (when they're back together). Then I was craving for live and attention, I become a bully at school because by doing that I get all the attention that I want, I become one of the cool kids who's cool enough to have a victim! And my parent's weren't happy about it and put me in that fuckin dungeon where I don't even feel like I have existence in this world, makes me get this bloody anxiety until now, makes me feel those shits inside me! None of this would happen to me if they decided to separate for good back in 2003! I won't have this kind of life, I wont ever have anxiety, I won't ever know how depression feels like. Now you know my story, you know what I've been through, and if you think you're one of those people who ship my parents so much, who's really into their problem and try to get them back together I would like to ask you to SHUT UP AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!! If you think my explanation isn't clear enough or you feel offended or something, come and have a word with me ! Email me! Message me on facebook! don't be a fuckin coward and tell on me!
Fall into 'Fake Love'
I felt uncomfortable in that kind of society. And I end up falling in love with a stranger named Brad as a runaway. I know this has happened 3 years ago in The Dungeon when I end up dating a random guy online. So about Brad, I think I met him on tinder if I'm not mistaken. I swiped him when I was in Auckland (my stop before Indo). Then we kept in touch when I was in Indo. What makes me loved him was that he texted me for like 27/7, and video called me every night. It's like I had these shitty days, felt so damn lonely, carving for love, and he was there for me. He fulfilled the love that I needed. And we were like talking about how much we love each other, our future, he said he'll marry me next year, I was super excited thinking that I found my true love already. My bestie (Tris) was super excited as well, we can't stop talking about him, how she will be there on my wedding day, being my bride's maid, giving me some makeover (she's a make up artist btw), and we were talking about finding her a guy and move her to NZ so we can live like sisters and see each other every day! But my other friends said that I was insane, well indeed, that's right I think I was insane if I look back to those days, it's like I haven't even met him yet and I was talking about all these shits about marriage and stuff? you probably think the same thing if you read my previews post about 'Faction Caste Pyramid Goals' where I mentioned that I'll be in Abnegation next year. And now I confess that I actually haven't even met the guy...... Loll......... Jess is going crazy (-_-). Anyway, that's what happens if you feel so damn desperate and someone's there to give you 'love' (even if it's fake).
'Pedo-Bear' Dramas
After that bloody torturing vacation, I'm finally back in NZ on 11th February! 3 days before Valentine's day. And everything was back to normal, our relationship was still normal as well. Until......... Valentine's day..... He cheated on me. His daughter told me that she 'slept' with him. And she was just a little 9 years old girl who just got her period. And I'm like seriously? Am I dating a pedophile? And yes readers, I dumped him after knowing about it. I didn't talked to him for the whole day at February 15th. And his daughter asked my why did I ignored him. I said that he got mental issues, you gotta be careful with him. Guess what readers,admits that she's the one who wanted it. Well I'm not gonna explain the whole thing here but I still have some screenshoots of the conversation. I know it's a bit unclear (their English is so..... HORRIBLE.... TERRIBLE...)but I hope you can at least get the story
*PS: not ALL of my mum's family member are like that, I would like to specify to my cousins and some other family members who are opened minded and still accepted me for who I am! Keep it up guys! you're amazing!!
Religious Hypocrites
After 2 weeks in Manado, I'm finally back to Jakarta. But waittt.......... the shitty mouths hasn't ended yet. There's much worst there, I just haven't discover it yet. Believe it or not readers, they use Religion as their weapon to attack me, their using God's name as their bullets to shoot someone mentally. And that's just so wrong. It's not me judging them wrong readers, it's written in the Bible. Let's just take a look on Exodus 20:7.
It says
"You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses His name"
- The Ten Commandments
Let me just put it this way. Ok, I know I'm wrong, I'm a sinner, I'm that shitty person, exactly what you said, you're right! While you're the Holy, Religious kind of guys huh? Then what you did was just judging me around? Put me aside? makes me feel even more shitty? Is that what The LORD want's you to do? I don't think so, you're supposed to be The Fishers of Men (Matthew 4:19 ; Mark 1:17). You're supposed to guide me into the light, coach me into a better person, makes me as holy as you guys! I think that's what's the LORD is expecting you to do! Well I have to say that I'm blessed. I'm blessed because I get the chance to believe in The LORD, I get the chance to know about the Bible and the points of it, so your weapons won't effect my Faith in Him, I have my own personal relationship with The LORD, I know the truth. So you're words doesn't matters to me. But let me tell you another story about a non-believer who just started to believe. Then you're just judging them around, tell them how shitty they are, judge them for what they did in the past (which they're trying to forget and starting a new life). What will they think after that? I'm sure they'll feel rejected. They'll move backwards and think that Religion is just hypocrites! They'll think that we (Christians) are just a whole bunch of people full of judgmental hypocrites and they'll think that we're thought to be such things. But NO!! That's not true!! It's just you who thinks you're much more than the others and you're starting to look down on everyone! Seriously guys, my thought is that we (believers) should just be nice to the non-believers, coach them nicely, treat them as a family of Christ, makes them feels comfortable around us. So the point is not about judging their current believes and force them to change it, but we should of give them that sensation of nicely warm welcome, comfort them, and after that it's their own personal choice to choose on what they want to believe in. Remember, God also gives free will. But it doesn't mean we have the right to hate them because no matter what, the LORD commands us to "Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these." (Mark 12:31)
One of The Hypocrite
After those written description that I just preach above, I would like to specify it to one person that's really really bugging me!! It's one of the counselor in the church I went to (I'm not sure if she's actually a counselor, but she's really active in church that's for sure). Damn it, she really bugs me. She's so into my parent's problem, and I think she's just crossing the line. So here's how the story goes readers. When I was 15 my mum call out for divorce. They were in a bloody big fight and she rented a house with me somewhere near Panem (I was still in Panem at that time). And she tells the story to that bloody fake counselor thinking that it could help her. But what happen was, she (counselor) put more pressure on them and turned them to be a hypocrite who just ACT like they love each other but they don't! Instead of understanding their problems she force them to stay together no matter what, she really highlight the sentence that 'divorce is a sin'. So they did. They live as a hypocrite, you know... act so damn normal as if nothing happens in public, making some kind of 'world war 3' at home! And I can't fuckin stand it ! I mean they're just not ment for each other. It's like they don't love each other, at all! 0%! They got married because of peer pressure, not love! And guess what readers, I think it's more sinful if they're together! Seriously, can you just understand the Bible as a WHOLE BOOK instead of judging someone by just ONE SENTENCE of it?!?! READ PROPERLY PLEASE!! Here, let me explain in a clearer way by listing some Verse:
- Colossians 3 : 8 = But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander,and filthy language from your lips. --> we all know that wrath is one of 7 deathly sin (this verse explains), and as long as they're still together, my mum won't get rid of her anger, rage, malice, slander and filthy language to him. She'll just keep insulting and hurting him with her words.
- Colossians 3 : 13 = Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ; Matthew 11 : 21 - 22 = Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. --> FORGIVENESS!!! That's the point. My mum will keep be mad at him and she won't forgive him if she keeps on seing him around doing things that she doesn't like. It's like they're personality, family backround, education backround, lifestyle, is wayyyyyyyyyy tooooo different. In my opinion, the only way she can forgive him is to get the hell out of his life, move on, and start a new life. Sometimes we (as human) just can't forgive someone we hate if she/he is around, we just need them to be out of our life to forgive.
- Colossians 3 : 15 - 16 = Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. -- > Seriously. I never ever in my life seeing my mum have peace in her heart. All she does was putting her stress on me, complaining about him, feeling un-satisfied. She never have gratitude i her heart. Until we move to NZ. Well she still complains and stuff but at least I can see that she have peace even just a bit. What if she's officially divorce and move on with her life? I'm sure it would be much better!
- Colossians 3 : 18 - 19 = Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. -- > That's how the LORD commands husbands and wife. but my mum doesn't submit herself to him, he controls him instead (dominant), while my dad doesn't love her (as I said, they don't LOVE each other). That means there is no way they can be husbands/wives that the LORD told them to. So why don't they just end their marriage? And focus on things that might please the LORD
- 1 Corinthians 10 : 31 = So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. --> Let me ask you a question. Does their marriage glorify God? Are they glorifying God by living this kind of riot marriage ? Does my mum glorifies God by putting her stress on me and beats me at my young age (mentioned in Panem), does she glorifies God by hating my dad? By hurting him? by making fun of his family? I don't think so.
Besides all those verses I mentioned above, there are also some non-biblical negative effect of them staying together. And mostly it effects ME!! That's why I don't ship them, at all! It's like most kids who have parents issue wish their parents to be together and live as a family, but I don't. Since I was in primary school I always wish they're not together, well I didn't know what 'divorce' actually means at that time (I started to know about stuff when I was 10 I guess). But they started to separate for 1.5 year (November 2003 - June 2005), me and my mum lives in Auckland back then, while he stays in Jakarta. And I think (me as a kid) that it works well, life is better that way. As I mentioned in Panem, before we moved to Auckland she used to beat me and stuff, she beats me with the toilet brush, stuffed a whole piece of carrot in my mouth (makes me hates carrot until now), yelling at me, telling me that I was a disappointment to her, complains about my dad to me! Don't you think I was too young for all that shits? And while we're in Auckland she did less of those, and start torturing me again when we moved back to Jakarta (when they're back together). Then I was craving for live and attention, I become a bully at school because by doing that I get all the attention that I want, I become one of the cool kids who's cool enough to have a victim! And my parent's weren't happy about it and put me in that fuckin dungeon where I don't even feel like I have existence in this world, makes me get this bloody anxiety until now, makes me feel those shits inside me! None of this would happen to me if they decided to separate for good back in 2003! I won't have this kind of life, I wont ever have anxiety, I won't ever know how depression feels like. Now you know my story, you know what I've been through, and if you think you're one of those people who ship my parents so much, who's really into their problem and try to get them back together I would like to ask you to SHUT UP AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!! If you think my explanation isn't clear enough or you feel offended or something, come and have a word with me ! Email me! Message me on facebook! don't be a fuckin coward and tell on me!
Side effects of this holiday
After reading the story above, you know how I was tortured in my summer holiday. It really sounds like The Dungeon 3.5 years later kind of story.
After reading the story above, you know how I was tortured in my summer holiday. It really sounds like The Dungeon 3.5 years later kind of story.
I felt uncomfortable in that kind of society. And I end up falling in love with a stranger named Brad as a runaway. I know this has happened 3 years ago in The Dungeon when I end up dating a random guy online. So about Brad, I think I met him on tinder if I'm not mistaken. I swiped him when I was in Auckland (my stop before Indo). Then we kept in touch when I was in Indo. What makes me loved him was that he texted me for like 27/7, and video called me every night. It's like I had these shitty days, felt so damn lonely, carving for love, and he was there for me. He fulfilled the love that I needed. And we were like talking about how much we love each other, our future, he said he'll marry me next year, I was super excited thinking that I found my true love already. My bestie (Tris) was super excited as well, we can't stop talking about him, how she will be there on my wedding day, being my bride's maid, giving me some makeover (she's a make up artist btw), and we were talking about finding her a guy and move her to NZ so we can live like sisters and see each other every day! But my other friends said that I was insane, well indeed, that's right I think I was insane if I look back to those days, it's like I haven't even met him yet and I was talking about all these shits about marriage and stuff? you probably think the same thing if you read my previews post about 'Faction Caste Pyramid Goals' where I mentioned that I'll be in Abnegation next year. And now I confess that I actually haven't even met the guy...... Loll......... Jess is going crazy (-_-). Anyway, that's what happens if you feel so damn desperate and someone's there to give you 'love' (even if it's fake).
'Pedo-Bear' Dramas
After that bloody torturing vacation, I'm finally back in NZ on 11th February! 3 days before Valentine's day. And everything was back to normal, our relationship was still normal as well. Until......... Valentine's day..... He cheated on me. His daughter told me that she 'slept' with him. And she was just a little 9 years old girl who just got her period. And I'm like seriously? Am I dating a pedophile? And yes readers, I dumped him after knowing about it. I didn't talked to him for the whole day at February 15th. And his daughter asked my why did I ignored him. I said that he got mental issues, you gotta be careful with him. Guess what readers,admits that she's the one who wanted it. Well I'm not gonna explain the whole thing here but I still have some screenshoots of the conversation. I know it's a bit unclear (their English is so..... HORRIBLE.... TERRIBLE...)but I hope you can at least get the story
This part tells how speechless I was ^
After that, I ignored him. Gosh, he's a pedophile creep!! But then... he's there begging for forgiveness, begging for me. Just like what Taylor Swift said in White Horse.
Go to this link below, Taylor exactly explains how I felt.
After he begs well I still wanna talk to him to see how it goes, but seriously, I don't love him anymore!! Guess what!! A week later he told me that his daughter got pregnant!! FUCKSAKE!! What have I done ? why do I have to be stuck with this idiot? I dont wanna marry him and take care of his mess, I don't wanna take care of his stubborn lil girl, and also be a step mum of his 'grandchild'. So I dumped him!! we're done!!
Moving on
Like I said before, I'm going to move on to Erudite when it ends. Which I did. Until another guy named John (initial) appears. I'll explain more of my 'John Dramas' on my next post.
